It’s Sunday afternoon, and I’m here in my office. Being in the office doesn’t always mean I’m productive. Sometimes, like today, it’s a whole lot of spinning wheels without much to show for it. This is the life of a creative person who chases their dreams full time.

I think days like today are important, though. As much as I would like to never have them. This seems to be life’s way of telling me: “Hey man, take a break.” Without days like today, I don’t know that I would ever stop working. Even right now, I’m still working, and I’ll get back to working after this. So it’s not a true break, but alas. Here we are on the blog.

I often reflect on my life, and getting older, and what it all means. Some days, things really make sense. Other days, I’m lost in the ether and I have no idea what I’m doing. I thought that things would become clear with age, but in reality the lines remain just as blurred as ever.

Age Does Not Bring Clarity

I’m now 30 years old. My life is much different from how young me would have imagined it. Young me assumed that I would grow up and become rich, and have a wife and a family. The truth is, I’m sitting here flat broke, single, and getting ready to move cross country to continue chasing my dreams.

The dreams that drive me are the same dreams that have driven me ever since I was a kid. I have a desire for exploration, for collaboration, and for doing something that will be remembered positively long after I’m gone.

I used to think this was going to look like writing a novel or getting into screenwriting. I thought I would be a published author by now. The reality is, that novel I wrote in my early twenties is buried in a drawer somewhere and has not been given the light of day. It needs a full edit and I’d rather write something different now… a new story… but my path has changed, and it may take me years to get back to that space.

The space to write a novel, in my eyes, requires me to be actively reading fiction, and focusing on that entire world. I do have a collection of poems, which is completed, that I plan to let people read soon, so there is still some personal writing in my life. The poems are about the things I’m reflecting on in this blog post.

My creative tendencies still burn inside of me, but now they mainly come out in the form of music journalism, concert promotion, community building, and php code.

Time Keeps on Slipping

The concept of time is extremely difficult for me to grasp. It seems that there is never enough of it to go around, yet when I do have it I often find a way to squander it writing meaningless blog posts like this one. I always tell myself that one day I’ll slow down. One day I’ll find peace and settle down.

I keep pounding the pavement. Every day I hustle some more. Every day I get older. Every day my friends continue to get married, engaged, have babies. Their babies keep getting older too. Yet, I still chase my dreams with the fire of youth.

The path I’m on is not a path for everybody. Some days, I feel like a fraud. I feel like nothing I’ve built has any value to anyone other than myself. And I think that maybe it would be better to just get a job. Maybe I should have gone out more instead of working, because then maybe I would have a wife or a girlfriend.

Then I see the path laid out before me, and the call to action and drive to build something great and epic. There might be time later for me to have a family, or to slow down. But for now, I need to keep stacking the bricks. One brick at a time, until the castle is tall and strong.

Inspire the Masses

I want to create things that people are excited about. A lot of people, not just the ones in a small niche community. I’d like to reach and inspire the masses with my work and my grassroots ethos. So, I have to keep going. Perhaps, along the way, I’ll meet somebody who wants to take this ride with me.

Some days that really bothers me, and other days I don’t even think about it. On a Sunday when I’m feeling burnt out and tired, and my ADHD won’t let me work, these days it would be nice to cozy up with a lover and just enjoy the peace of their presence.

Instead, I’m hammering away at my keyboard, and watching the sunflowers in my backyard grow taller. Watering the garden, and letting it grow. Healthy flowers attract the most bees.